Joyful Melancholy

Tonight I ran downstairs on a little errand and I got distracted by a basket of old photographs. I'd pulled the basket out Sunday afternoon, thinking I should go through those old photos and get them sorted. I suppose I'm the only one long on good intentions and short on follow-through?  Anyway...

Like I was saying, tonight I wandered past that basket again. I didn't really go through it but I picked up one little batch of photos to treat myself to a walk down memory lane.  It took me back to when I was working as an oncology nurse. It was a time when I felt close to a lot of patients, knew many of them over an extended period of time. I loved my co-workers and enjoyed my days working with them. I've been gone long enough that I don't very well remember the bad days, mostly just the good.

The photos were taken the day we were having a big whoop-de-do outdoor party honoring our patients.  It had been arranged for a patient to cut my hair off for another donation to Locks of Love. I won't go through that story again now but you can read about it here on Maria's blog.  Her version makes me seem like some kind of hero, so of course I'm hoping you'll read it. I'm not a hero. I do admit to being  a fast hair-grower, though.

Tonight I looked at these photos and I realized I was standing there all alone in the basement, smiling widely with the memory of that day.  I remember the patients there getting chemo asking me about my weird hairstyle that day. I'd put it into a series of ponytails in preparation for the cutting. It was goofy but I felt I had permission to be silly that day. That's actually a pretty good feeling; it makes a person feel kind of free.

When I was called outside for the cutting, I was surrounded by onlookers and even reporters.

What a weird experience that was!.

It wasn't really about me, though.

It was about Sharyn and all the other patients.

I remembered how it felt to see Sharyn getting into the fun.

I'm sure she didn't feel well, but for that moment, I don't think she was thinking about her troubles.

This was my favorite photo, though.

Look at her eyes!

She was working those big chocolate eyes for the cameras!

Then, I thought of Sharyn and all the other patients that also became friends.

I still see many of them when I'm out shopping and such.

In fact, at mall lunch just today I shared a happy hug with a former breast cancer patient.

I'd spent so many hours with her during her chemo days.

I was so happy to see her!

Sunday night, when we were out for Mother's Day, I shared a hug

with the spouse of one of my favorite patients from the past.

I love that feeling, knowing that I was a small part of their family history.

Then, the melancholy...

So many people who are no longer living.

So much sadness.

So many families with holes in their tapestry.

How do people deal with that when they do not believe in a life after this one?

My faith does not stop my grief, but it gives me hope.

And after I wallow in the melancholy,

I come out the other side with

a sense of peace.

I feel gratitude for the relationships I've experienced.

I'm happy for the time with those special people, the patients and my co-workers.

I realize my memories, both joyful and melancholy, are a lasting gift.

So Many Hairstyles - So Little Time!

I am a bit bipolar when it comes to my hair. I want it long, then I want it short....oops, mistake. I want it long again. I've been doing this since I was about 17 or so. I don't know why. 

Imagine my delight when I heard of Locks of Love! It gave me a mission! Who knew that growing and cutting off hair could serve such a purpose! Also people who may have thought a middle-aged women shouldn't have hair this long surely wouldn't complain if it is for a charitable purpose! Yep. I went from crazy-hair-lady to noble-lady! I'm still bipolar about my  hair, but at least my craziness helps others.

The first time I donated to Locks of Love (2004) I gave 22 inches of hair. It was kind of fun! I went in to my hairdresser's on a Saturday morning. No one else was there when I arrived. However, just before she cut off my ponytail, her husband stopped in with her 4 or 5 year old son. He stood watching as she cut. Really, 22 inches is a lot of hair and when it comes off all at once, I guess it looks rather dramatic. Her son started screaming, "Mama! You broke her hair! You broke it!" He was so distressed; I quickly reassured him that I wanted her to do it but I am not sure he ever believed me. He may have been scarred for life. I hope not.

I kept my hair short for awhile after that. I thought I was too old to grow my hair long again. I was also expecting it to go gray any minute, but it didn't. So, I started growing it out again.

In 2009 I donated again to Locks of Love. At that time I was working as a chemotherapy nurse. Ironic, huh? I was giving other women drugs that made their hair fall out yet I easily grew mine long again. I got the bright idea that I would ask one of the patients if she wanted to cut my hair off before I went to get it styled. I chose a woman who had battled cancer repeatedly for years. She told me she had lost her hair at least three different times. She had a good sense of fun and was delighted to accept my offer. As it turned out, someone at our clinic asked me to have her do it at a cancer survivor party. I agreed. I didn't realize that the local tv stations would be covering the event, as well as our newspaper! What a strange experience.

I wasn't blogging yet then, but my daughter did a post about the event. You can read about it here if you'd like, just keep in mind that my daughter wrote it. She's the president of my fan club! When I look back at those photos I remember a day of fun and joy. We were celebrating life and friendship. The woman who cut my hair, Sharyn, survived a long time after her first diagnosis of cancer. Sadly, the day did come when we had to say good-bye to Sharyn. I will always remember the fun she had that day, though. She really got into it and charmed all who watched her short hairdressing career. I went to my hairdresser later that day. I didn't choose my own style but instead, let my hairdresser do whatever she wanted. 

This time I'm going to change things up a bit. For one thing, I've been researching hairstyles on Pinterest for a month or two. Just when I've decided on one, I see another I like. So many hairstyles; so little time! If you are looking for a new hairstyle, follow Only the Manager on Pinterest and check out my hairstyles board. Don't be surprised if you feel overwhelmed by the choices, though. As I type this, it is a matter of only hours until I go get the deed done and yet I've not decided on my style. 

For another change this time, I'm thinking I will send my ponytail to Wigs for Kids. I don't really care which organization handles it, as long as someone who can't grow their own hair gets a turn at combing and curling and primping and styling.

So, how do you manage your hair? Do you like to try different styles or have you found one that just feels like YOU and so you stick with it?

Good-bye long hair...for now.