Family Tapestry

Yesterday my daughter wrote an honest, raw and painful post about the grief of miscarriage. It has taken her some time to be able to talk about this. It is just so hard. In her post, she said she hoped her readers would be able to talk about it also. So, I am going to try to follow her lead on this one. I hope you will first click here to read what she has been through.

My first experience with miscarriage began when I was quite young. My Mom lost one baby before me and another when I was 4 or 5 years old. The first, Brian Keith was born too early to survive, at least in those days. I was conceived before his original due date so I guess if he had survived I would not be here. That is not something I can really work into any neat little package in my brain so I don't really try. I just know there will be another brother to meet in heaven.

Mom's last baby was also born too early. I was old enough to know we were expecting another baby in our family and I was old enough to feel the loss when she died. Little kids handle such things in really weird ways. Me? I named all my dolls after her, Sally May. I hope that didn't cause my Mom even more pain. She'd already endured so much. Sally lived for several hours but things were managed differently in those days. She was not allowed to see or hold her baby. Sally died without the comfort of our mother's arms. That still makes me so sad.

When I was expecting our second baby my doctor became suspicious I was carrying twins. I was not at all surprised. We had twins the prior two generations and I had always kind of thought I'd be the one in this generation to have twins. An ultrasound was scheduled and I was really excited. My friends at work knew why I was having the ultrasound and asked me to call afterword to tell them the results.  I'm so grateful Mike was with me for that ultrasound. The x-ray tech showed us the heartbeat of one baby and then casually said something about the twin that had died. I had not prepared myself one bit for such news! What a mess of emotions! That was the first time I'd ever had an ultrasound and seeing that heartbeat is quite wonderful, but learning that one was dead was awful.  I wasn't prepared.  Later, when I called my friends at work, the response I got was unintentionally really hurtful. One friend said, "Aren't you glad? You wouldn't want twins!"  ...But I did, I really did. I named him Andrew Michael. No, I'm not even sure it was a boy but that's what I decided. If I am wrong, we will call her Andrea or something. I don't know how things like that are worked out in heaven but I'm sure he or she will forgive me if I am wrong with my gender guess.

When we lost the second baby, Mike and I had not even told anyone that we were expecting. It was still a delightful secret. That pregnancy was the first one I'd experienced without vomiting all the time. I felt great! We'd spent the day with our two older kids, Maria and Ben, in Lewistown, MT. The baby was on my mind all day. I was excited for the day we would announce it. Just before we left Lewistown, though, I discovered that I was bleeding. It wasn't much. Sometimes those things happen, right?

We went the 60 miles home and I think I was pretty quiet. When we got home Mike took care of the kids while I went upstairs and called the doctor. Like Maria, I was told there wasn't anything they could do. I remember sitting on the floor of our bedroom weeping. By the time the pain started, I knew I was losing the baby. I called my Mom. I'm sure it was strange for her because she hadn't known we were expecting anyway. Still, she knew the heartbreak. It was a comfort to me to speak with her.  Like Maria, this miscarriage took a lot of time, a couple of very painful days.

One of the things I felt during that miscarriage was an incredible desire to protect that baby. I had a tremendous need to keep it inside of me. I knew it was too late, but it still just seemed that if I could postpone the inevitable, maybe there was still a chance.  Of course, I knew the baby had likely died before the first sign of miscarriage. Nevertheless, that bit of hope was hard to relinquish.

Of course I don't know if that baby was a girl, but I named her Carolyn Grace anyway. Mike's Mom is Carol and mine is Grace. Isn't that a pretty way to combine the names? I think naming these babies was for my own comfort more than anything. I don't have a back-up name for that baby but again, all this will work out fine later and I will be forgiven if I guessed wrong. My motherly intuition regarding gender was wrong for Maria, Ben AND Sam so I won't be too surprised to learn I missed the mark.

I think one of the first things I ever did when I learned I was pregnant with any of our babies was to protectively put my hands over my own abdomen, as though I was guarding that little life, that little person who was a combination of Mike and I and all our ancestors before us. That has got to be some deep instinct, that need to protect one's young. I think that is part of what is so hard about losing a baby.

People don't always know what to say to someone who has suffered a miscarriage. Well, I will tell you this, it may be best to just say you are sorry for their loss and then let them know you are there to listen more than talk. One of my friends told me it brought her comfort, after a miscarriage, when someone explained to her that her baby was likely deformed or less than perfect in some way. She took comfort from that and from thinking it was all for the best. When someone said that to me I was horrified! I know there may be truth in that but thinking of my baby as being deformed brought me no comfort at all.

We don't all find peace in the same way. I think that is why it is best to take more of a listening role when trying to comfort anyone from any loss. Beyond that, I don't have real advice for you. I will tell you that one of my dearest friends, learning of my miscarriage, sent me a handmade card. On it was a drawing involving tears and a Biblical reference to Romans 12:15... weep with those who weep. That touched my heart deeply.

Grandparents and husbands suffer when a miscarriage occurs as well. I've never been a husband so I can't tell you first hand how it is. I'd think they must feel so helpless when it is happening. I know they'd like to fix it. It is just so hard. A lot of men keep it to themselves, trying to be strong for their wives. What comfort do they need?  And grandparents? What could be worse than seeing your child with a broken heart?

I don't feel sorry for myself over my miscarriages. How can I? I am so grateful for the three children we were able to raise. My life is full of love and family. I do not take it lightly that my dream of motherhood came true. However, I do still feel sad about those little ones we didn't get to raise. I look at Ben and wonder if his twin was identical. What would it be like to see two of them side by side?! Would Carolyn Grace have looked like Maria? Would she have had red hair like Sam? Would they now be parents themselves?  And the grandchildren? What would they have been like?

I really don't dwell on thoughts like these much but sometimes they do come to my mind. Those babies are not really lost and they most certainly are not forgotten.  I may not exactly know them, but God does. I don't worry about where they are. I expect they already understand things better than do I... and I believe we will be reunited. They are part of the tapestry of this family.

My Confessions

Our daughter, Maria, has started occasionally doing a post on her Confessions.  It may not be what you are thinking, but it is fun to read.  In fact, take a second right now to click on the link above and read what she has to say.  


Today, Maria invited others to try confessing.  I've heard confessing is good for the soul so I decided to give it a go as well.


Actually, I'm remembering that I've done a post on Confessions of a Pastor's Wife.  You are welcome to click and read it as well.  It's not the same as Maria's Confessions post, though.  Her's have bullet points!  I love, love bullet points!


So, following the lead from Little Things are Big, here is my list for today:

• I, too, have some double jointed toes.  I am also pedi-dexterous and I'm very proud to have passed those genetics on.  What this means is I often pick things up with my toes.  It is quite handy, really.  I hook my big toes together when relaxing.  This creeps Mike out, making it all the more satisfying.
• I don't sing in the shower either.  I do sing and hum a lot of other times, though, often without realizing it.  I used to try to stop myself but then I asked, "Why?"  I hum at work all the time.
• As a kid I once noticed a lady who had a tic that caused her to twitch her nose frequently (upward, not side to side like on Bewitched).  Apparently I was fascinated by it and tried it out a few times.  THEN, it became a bit of an uncontrollable habit for me!  Who knew that nose-twitching was habit-forming?  I am now cured but don't ask me to show you because I'm afraid I could backslide.
• I love interesting teeth, but with the common use of braces now days, they are rare.  I have straight teeth, never needed braces.  I always admired people who had teeth with a bit of an overlap or maybe eye teeth that protruded just enough to give their lips an interesting shape.  Today's teeth bore me.
• I love eating hotdogs cold, straight from the package.
• I always wanted freckles but with my olive complexion I found it was not to be... until NOW!  I am developing freckles on my hands and I'm so happy!  (If you want to be my friend you will not say mean words like liver spots or age spots.)
• I always wanted to be a redhead.  Again, it wasn't for me.  I was really proud, though, when Mike and I produced a redheaded child.
• I am too proud of the fact that I can crochet like the wind.
• Sometimes I crochet to avoid doing things I don't want to do, like cleaning the bathroom.

OK, That's 10 confessions!  I am exhausted but I think I do feel a bit better for having told you these things.  Want to try it?   If you are a blogger, try a Confessions post.  It would be nice if you linked it back to Maria's blog, Little Things are Big.  Hey, let's make it a blog hop!  Click below where it says Click Here to Enter and you can join the hop.

If you are not a blogger, you most certainly are invited to air out your soul by "commenting" your confessions right here and now.  

An Interview With Maria Rose

I know this next interviewee quite well.  In fact, I have known her since before she was born.  Yes, today I am featuring an interview from our daughter, Maria Rose. 

Maria was actually my inspiration for blogging.  When she first started blogging I couldn't imagine why she would want her diary on the internet.  After I started reading it, though, I loved it!  Her blog, Little Things are Big, is always uplifting.  She never, ever rants.  She tries to highlight the actions of others in a kind way and she focuses on the sweet blessings of this life.  I love reading it and I think you will as well!

Before I begin with the interview, it is important to me that you understand about her name.  Maria is pronounced like Mariah.  It may seem to you that we should have just spelled it with an h on the end but she was named after Mike's grandma and so we stuck with that Norwegian spelling and pronunciation.  Also, we lived in Turner, MT at the time and most everyone there had known Mike's grandma so it was not unusual there.  Her middle name, Rose, is after my grandma (the same Grandma for whom our Wyoming Rose Boutique was named).  Having explained all the effort we put into her name, I will also tell you that when she was a baby there were people who called her Georgette.  She looked a lot like Mike's Dad, George.

Besides being my daughter, Maria and I work together as shop owners.  We have a lot of fun shopping for vintage treasures as well as designing and handcrafting our original designs.  It is a joy for me!  She also is a beautiful model for our products!

Maria is married to Eric, a supreme son-in-law.  She is mother to the delightful Cordelia Rose and she is expecting our 2nd grandchild in July.  If you check out her blog be sure to weigh in on the baby-guessing game on the left side of her post!  They hope to find out March 1 whether it is a girl or a boy!

My interview with Maria...

What is your earliest memory and how old were you?

My earliest memory is just before I turned 2, or so you once told me that's how old I was. I remember a red windbreaker, my friend Jennifer and running. Mostly my memory is just the feel of the windbreaker.

Tell me something about which you feel passionate.

I feel extremely passionate about veganism. I feel that there is enough suffering in this world and if I can lessen my part in that cycle of suffering I will. Ultimately food is purely fuel, you poop it out---is that worth the suffering and death of a sentient being? I am heartsick when people say, “I can’t give up (meat, cheese, eggs, etc.).” I just grit my teeth and think, “No…you won’t give up (meat, cheese, eggs, etc.)” When I learned about the facts of the animal industry there was no turning back I felt morally obligated to become vegan. With that said I no longer try to actively convert people, they have to come to it on their own. My efforts to that end have only broken my heart.

Tell me something about your childhood.

I had a wonderful childhood. My parents made me feel loved, supported, protected and encouraged. My siblings were and still are so very important to me. I had a happy childhood and I truly believe that has been the foundation for my whole life.

Tell me of an experience from your past that was incredible or amazing to you.

Well, I suppose the most transformative experience was becoming a parent-which happened in stages. Everything had greater weight. The world was more…just more.

Tell me your first memory of knowing you were loved.

I don’t have a first memory of love. I always felt love from before I knew anything else.

Tell me something that frightens you.

Losing my family.

Tell me something you have accomplished that pleased you.

I try to be pleased with all of my accomplishments, from the way I stacked the dishes this morning (it was a sight to behold) to completing my MA.

When you were most recently with a group of people did you feel as though you fit in or not?  Why or why not?

I don’t ever feel like I fit in, not really. I have always felt like I am just a bit off, a little quirky. I used to be troubled by this, but now it is part of who I am. I am happy to be a little on the outside. I feel like I have a unique perspective.

What was your first job for money?

Baby-sitting. I even started my own babysitters club though truthfully I just wanted to buy office supplies and boss my friends around.

Tell me about your first experience leaving home.

Oh, that was so difficult. I left for college. I was so excited to be out in the adult world. Of course it was hard to leave my parents and brother Ben, but leaving Sam, who was 6 about broke my heart. Thankfully I had my then boyfriend, now husband, going to the same college. We really supported each other through the change into adulthood.

Do you think of yourself as an organized person?  Why or why not?

Most people think I am organized, but it comes with great effort and determination. I am not a naturally organized person. My inclination is to toss clothes on the floor, stack dishes in the sink and leave piles all over. However, after years of effort I have really managed to control my messy tendencies and I keep a neat house…my closet is even organized. My end goal is to be clean, have only things I use or love and to avoid piling things up.

Tell me of a time you used your creativity.

I always use my creativity…why wouldn’t I? Everything is more interesting if you use creativity.

Is your adult life different than you expected?  If yes, how so?

Oddly I spent much of my childhood and teen years dreaming of adulthood abstractly. I never really had a clear vision of who or what I wanted to be. Thankfully adulthood has given me many gifts so I suppose it is much better than I could have dreamed.

Is there a particular person who had great influence on you and if so who and how?

My parents…they made me who I am. The Copelands…they helped me to find who I am.

Tell me something about your views on spirituality.

I believe in God.

Did you go to camp as a child?  If so, do you have any fun stories to share from that time?

I did go to camp. My camp nickname was Bob, because I introduced myself as Bob…apparently I was hilarious as a 12 year old. I also remember my counselors wearing very modest sports bras on a hike deep in the forest surrounded only by girls and I was scandalized by it.

If you are married, tell about first meeting your spouse.  Was it love at first sight or did it cook up more slowly?

When I first met Eric he came by the junior high (he was a high schooler)and he was wearing black fishnet stockings on his arms and legs, tall boots and all black. Black crimped hair, black lipstick, black nail polish. I had just moved to the area from small town Montana and I had NEVER seen anything so strange in all of my life. He was super nice, but he was “dating” my friend. I did keep tabs on him for years as we were in the same circle of friends, but always on opposite ends. When we finally started dating a few years, and style changes, later everyone was kind of like, “why didn’t we think of putting those two together sooner?” It just made sense.

Tell me about your children.

Cordelia is two. She is one of the best gifts I have ever been given. She has made me a better person, brought me closer to my spouse and family. I am thankful for every moment with her. 

I am pregnant with our second, and last, child. I expect to find my life transformed once again. I can’t wait to meet this child and complete our family. We’ve been waiting for this!

I also have had two miscarriages, they are the children I have yet to meet.

Tell me something about your time as an adolescent.

I was awful, but I am so thankful that I was. I wouldn’t change a moment of it for fear that it would change my present.

Tell me of a time you experienced loss.

I have lost family and friends to accidental death, murder, age, illness—but the time I felt loss most deeply (thus far)was with a dog I never had. 

I had spent some time volunteering at an animal shelter when I first started college. Cocoa was a dog that had been in this no-kill shelter for quite some time. She was totally unapproachable and constantly in terror. I began to work with her every day and over the course of time she began to trust again. Eventually we felt that she might even be adoptable. I wanted to adopt her so badly, but I couldn’t I was about to move to Montana and had no home. 

When we found a woman to adopt her I was overjoyed. I interviewed her and had her sign a contract stating that she would return Cocoa to the shelter if it didn’t work out. I got her into her new home and left for my honeymoon. When I returned I found that the woman had put her to sleep---for no reason. I was heartbroken. I still am and I always will be.

What do you do for a living?

I kind of get the best of both worlds. I am a stay at home mom, but I also teach a couple of classes at the local college. I have a master’s degree in art history, but I wouldn’t say my part time work is really making me a living.

What do you currently most enjoy to do with your free time?

I like to spend time outside exploring and creating with my daughter, dog and husband.

Tell me something new you've recently learned.

I have learned metal stamping, it’s pretty cool and easy once you have the right tools.

Is there something new you plan to learn?  If so, what?

I have a looooong list! Currently I am reading up on canning.

Thanks, Maria, for agreeing to this interview.   If you are interested, you may see questions here.  I am enjoying these interviews.  You don't have to be someone I know for me to interview you! You may e-mail your answers to me at onlythemanager@yahoo.com and I will be delighted to do a post featuring you! I will be featuring more interviews as they come in. 

Napkin Tutorial + a Give-Away!

Maria (daughter) and I have been creating things for our online shop, Wyoming Rose Boutique, since last November.  We have so much fun!  We also had a Wyoming Rose Boutique blog but with us each having our own blogs as well, we decided to stop adding to our store blog.  Instead, we will occasionally do tutorials and give-aways on our own blogs.  Maria recently did one on how to make some beautiful decorative flowers.  She often has give-aways on her blog as well. 

Our shop, Wyoming Rose Boutique, is NOT closing, just the blog.  In fact, we've been crafting away for our shop lately and we are also going to do our very first craft fair next week-end!  We're kind of excited about that.

Anyway...

I decided you might enjoy a fun craft I learned from a sweet lady named Rosemarie.  I met her at our church in New Mexico and she taught this to us at a ladies' gathering.

You'll  need some pretty napkins, a paintbrush and some Mod Podge.  I chose the glossy Mod Podge but the matte would be lovely as well.  Additionally, you need something like an old basket or some prefab little container dealies or whatever else you may think of that you might want to recover.

Be sure to put down newspapers first.  This is a craft you can easily do with children but even so, it is messy.  Also, it is helpful if you turn on the radio.  Music makes crafting much more fun.  I turned on KLove.  Do you get that station where you are?  I know it is national but I'm not sure it is everywhere.  Anyway, I enjoy it a lot.

So, now you are set.

Begin preparing your napkins by tearing off the edges, you know,

that part with the little bumpy area.

I know that seems wasteful, but it gets worse.  Next you must peel off all the white layers from the back of the napkin.  If you wish, you can save all the scraps and use them to wipe your mouth when you eat lunch.  I just threw my scraps in the trash.  Anyway, you have to be real certain all the back layers are off and that you only have the top layer left.  Some napkins are just 2-ply but a lot of the really pretty napkins sneak in another layer.  After you are certain you've removed the backs, tear your napkins into pieces.  You may make them any size you wish.  I have best results using anything from the size of a half-dollar to maybe the size of a paper dollar,
depending on what you are recovering.

The next step is to paint a bit of the Mod Podge onto your item.

Then start sticking on pieces of napkin and apply Mod Podge over it to make it stick well.  The biggest piece of advice for this project is to go very light with the Mod Podge.  I tend to want to drown the napkins but that leaves the final project sticky and you may even have white spots.  Less is better.

I was doing a pretty thorough covering on this basket but I also like it when I go even lighter and leave some of the napkin still papery, as long as it sticks.

You can choose to do the bottom of your project or leave it alone.  Just be sure that while you are painting on the Mod Podge you are remembering to leave a side to set it down.  I let my projects dry overnight and then do the other side if desired.

I did a whole batch of things at once.  I guess I figure if I'm going to

make a mess I may as well really get into it. 

And this little cutie is for the give-away.

And to make it more interesting, the winner will find a surprise pair of earrings inside!

So, you can enter in a number of ways...

1) Any new followers from today through Tuesday will be entered automatically.

2) Anyone who leaves a comment on any of my posts from today through Tuesday

    will automatically be entered once for EACH comment.  I will also count comments

    sent to my e-mail (see below).

3) If you let me know that you shared this post on FACEBOOK I will enter your name.

4) If you let me know that you shared this post on TWITTER I will enter your name.

5) If you let me know you visited our shop site I will enter your name.

6) If you let me know that you've visited Maria's blog between today and Tuesday I will

    enter your name.
7) If you let me know that you have become a new follower of Maria's blog,
    Little Things are Big, I will enter your name yet again.
8)  If you let me know that you blogged about EITHER my blog or Maria's, I will
    enter your name yet again.

So you see, you can enter any number of ways.  My e-mail address is onlythemanager@yahoo.com so you can "let me know" what you've done that way as well. 

Now, for the warning.  Yes, there is a warning!  It is likely that you will have left-over Mod Podge.  It is ok to look around and think of what else you may want to recover, but be cautious!  It is easy to get carried away!  For example, here is a picture of my bathroom cupboards:

So, you've been warned.  This is an addictive behavior and intervention may be needed!
Craft at your own risk!  ..........but have fun!