Confessions of a Pastor's Wife

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As most of you know, my husband is a Lutheran Pastor.  Last night we were at our Lenten Service.  Lent is rather a somber season during the church year.  It's the time we ponder and thoughtfully consider the time leading up to Jesus' death.  We learn more deeply about what he had to go through. 

Mike was preaching about how Jesus called out to God during the distress he endured on the cross.  Mike then spoke of how WE need to call out to God in our distress, not worrying about how to tell God our problems but to just call out to him.  He repeated, "Just call."  As he finished that brief sentence someone's cell phone went off.  The owner of the phone was seated near the back and I don't think Mike even heard it.  But I did, and I snort-laughed.  I'm sorry but it was funny!  I quickly subdued myself, realizing snort-laughing may not be considered proper Pastor Wife behavior.  I've yet to find the Pastor Wife Etiquette Book but I'm pretty sure snort-laughing would be a no-no.

So, I started thinking about other behavior lapses I've committed in church.  Even before Mike was a pastor, early in our marriage, I led him down the road of inappropriate church behavior.  We were sharing a hymnal while singing hymns.  I love to sing and was doing so with enthusiasm.  About the middle of the song Mike had to elbow me as I was singing the wrong verse, loudly.  When I finally realized why he was being so rude to me, I said, "Oh!" still a bit too loud!  THEN it happened.  We both went over-the-edge as we call it.  We started laughing with no control!  I'm talking the silly laughing where you have to cover your face because you are rendered unable to swallow and drooling is a likely possibility.  It's awful and wonderful at the same time.

Now I sing on the Worship Team at our current church.  My place is in the back row.  A few years ago the back row was all men except for me and Kylie.  On a particular song Kylie was telling me that during a part of that song, where the parts separate, she and I were to sing with the men on their part.  The way she said it was, "We'll be men on this song."  It struck my silly side.  Without thinking I imitated a woman in a current commercial who was herself imitating men.  I stuck out my finger and in my best dopey male voice said, "Hey Dude, pull my finger."  I said it a bit too loud and Kylie wasn't the only one who heard me.  I've been known as "Bubba" ever since!

I Sometimes Forget

I didn't write the following.  I found it probably 6 years ago, printed in a church bulletin for an advent service I attended.  It really spoke to me that night.  I stumbled upon it this morning and thought it was perfect following the blog about fear that I posted yesterday.  I would give credit to the author but no name was attached to it.  I hope the poem touches you as it did me.

In the dark,
I sometimes forget the light will come, the stars will shine.
In the rain,
I sometimes forget the sun will come out, the land will be green and fresh.
In the rush,
I sometimes forget how to slow down, how to be still.
In the noise,
I sometimes forget the quiet will come, peace will return.
In the loneliness,
I sometimes forget you are always here, you are holding me.
In the cold,
I sometimes forget who warms my heart, who holds my soul.
In the fear,
I sometimes forget to trust in you, to lean on you.
Forgive me, God, for not remembering that laughter will follow tears,
Joy will follow the sorrow, healing will follow the hurt,
Day will follow the night, because I sometimes forget. Amen

FEAR

Yesterday as I sewed I was listening to my Kindle read a stupid book to me.  Within the first few paragraphs I already knew exactly the formula used for the book.  It was a Christian Fiction book so I listened to the whole thing.  Why?  I guess I didn't want to be rude to another Christian.

Anyway, I'm a little bit glad that I listened because I did find one little sentence that jumped out at me and made me think.  The words that caught my attention were, "Fear is the opposite of faith".  Do you think that is true? 

I thought about this off and on throughout the rest of the day, and apparently I am still thinking about it this morning.  I started thinking about the things that make other people afraid, because of course it is "other people" who have these kinds of problems.  I thought of someone close to me (you know who you are) who is very, very afraid of cockroaches.  She has her reasons.  I also know someone who has a fear of being rear-ended (she also has  her reasons).  I also know and love several someones who have a fear of flying in small planes.  Again, there may be good reasons.  I continued in this way, thinking of a long list of things "other people" fear... thunderstorms, public speaking, making small talk, snakes, water, clowns, newborns, horses, and the list goes on and on.

I was working on a BIG sewing project so I had a lot of time to think.. finally I had to think about what I feared.  I like to think my faith is strong so if fear is the opposite of faith... this whole thing was making me uncomfortable.  It was a stupid book anyway, right? 

OK, OK, I'll confess a few fears.  I'm afraid of being late... anywhere.   I hate that feeling of letting people down or making them wait for me.  I think that's not a bad thing but there have been times when it almost made me sick to think I was going to be late.  Sometimes I've been really mad at Mike for making me late somewhere.  It's been a problem for me.  I remember one early morning when I was in high school.  I was rushing to get out the door when Mom said, "Susie, you know you don't have to be there to open the doors, right?"

I'm also afraid of witnessing a plane crash.  Yep, that's what I said.  I may be a little afraid of being in one but the thing that gives me those repeated nightmares is actually seeing the crash and then having to rush to the scene as the sole rescuer of many, many people.  I've had that dream over and over in many different forms. 

Along those lines, I have a fear of being bombed.  I don't know why.  I've never been bombed.  I've never even lived in a war zone.  But there it is.  If a plane flies over a little lower than I think it should, sometimes I just get the idea that a war I didn't know about is just starting and the enemy decided to bomb me here in the center of
Wyoming to get it all going.

A big serious fear that I have is of losing someone close to me.  Like a lot of Moms, I've worried about my husband or one of my children dying.  If they don't answer their phones, my imagination does mean things to me.

A year and a half ago that fear went into hyper-drive.  Maria got the swine flu.  That was when  the swine flue was big in the news.  They'd show maps of all the countries where people had died from it.  I was really worried about Maria.  She was already trying to recover from anemia and childbirth.  She was sleep-deprived like most new moms.  I knew that she was weakened already.  She didn't need this!  Still, all in all, I really felt she'd get through it and I thought I was handling it ok. 

But THEN, I started worrying about Cordelia.  She was this tiny little 3 week old person and I'd just learned about another local baby in ICU with swine flu.  All of a sudden I realized that being a grandparent compounded my worrying way beyond what I'd expected!  One day as I was driving home from work it hit me that if we lost Cordelia, not only would my heart be broken by the loss itself, but my child's heart would be broken.  Suddently, I was bawling as I drove.  I felt a near panic for Cordelia's safety!  What could we do?  How could we protect her? 

Well, Maria recovered and Cordelia never even got sick.  I didn't ever come up with a plan to protect her.  Maria and Eric wore the blue masks as a precautionary measure, knowing that Cordelia had likely already been exposed before they even knew they had the bug.  It all turned out fine for our family.

I said that I hadn't come up with a protection plan for Cordy but I guess I kind of did.  I prayed!   And prayed!   And prayed!  It was very apparent that I had to have faith that God would see the situation through to its perfect result.  I certainly had no help to offer on my own.

Now, I have perfect faith and fear nothing!  No.... that's not at all true!  I still worry about something everyday.  I have been given the gift of faith but over and over, I try to worry my fears away before I remember that I have that gift.  It makes me frustrated with myself but there it is... now I am worrying about worrying too much... 

God help me!

Happily Ever After!

What comes to your mind when you hear the phrase, "...and they lived happily ever after"?  Does a wedding come to mind?  Maybe a princess is involved?  Do you picture a young, good-looking couple? 

Of course we all know, there is no one who gets to experience only happy moments for the rest of their lives.  Even those in the most satisfying marriages still experience pain and misery in this life.  They can still catch a cold or stub a toe.  They likely will still face traffic jams, poor weather, health issues, financial problems, rising gas prices, clogged toilets.... you get the point.

I teach Sunday School and yesterday a young girl made it clear to me that "Happily Ever After" can happen.  She wasn't talking about a princess or even marriage when she spoke her words of wisdom.  She was saying a closing prayer shortly after we'd talked about living eternally.  She'd already said things like, "Help us all to have a good week".  She'd started another sentence with, "Please help us all..." when she lost her train of thought.  It is hard for kids to say public prayers.  In fact, it is hard for me...but that's another topic.  Anyway, this wise little girl finally came up with, "Please help us all....   to live happily ever after!"  She looked at me when she opened her eyes.  Her expression told me she was embarrassed.  She is about 12 years old and I suppose she felt she'd said something stupid.  I thought she'd said something incredibly wise!

Happily Ever After... the perfect way to describe life eternal with our God! 

It's that simple.

The Adjustment Bureau

Yesterday Mike and I went to see the Adjustment Bureau.  I have to say it was thought-provoking.  The plot deals with the issues of free will, predestination, angels, God, ripple effects and more.

I am certainly not going to claim the theology in this movie is sound.  In fact, I think it made God (referred to as The Chairman) and the angels (Adjustment Bureau) seem like the enemy throughout most of the movie.  It also seemed rather humanistic, that is, I think it elevates humans to be on a level with God.  Maybe I took it wrong, I don't know.  I do think, though, that any movie that even makes people think about God at all has some edification value.

As a love story it is really compelling.  The main characters are pretty and easy to like.  On the way home Mike and I talked about whether we were destined for each other or if it was just chance that we meant.  Do we together reach our potential or did we in any way inhibit each other.  I asked him if he thought marrying me kept him from becoming the president of the U.S.  You'll understand that question if you watch the movie.

Also, I like thinking of angels.  I believe there are angels around us, visible and otherwise.  I believe they are kind and good and want what is best for us.  I never pictured them as wearing hats.  Again, you'll have to see the movie.

So, I'm giving it 4 stars out of 5.  I might have given it 4 1/2 but I kept forgetting the name of it.  I think a more memorable name would've made the difference.

Wonder Pets!

A few months ago I'd not even heard of the Wonder Pets.  Does everyone else know about them?  Cordelia loves them and now so do I.  Well, I admit I don't watch them when she's not here, but it is something fun to watch with her.  She's really, really into them.  I'm into whatever makes this curly-headed little girl happy.  I love being her Grandma!

Lent

We are firmly into the church season of Lent now.  I didn't grow up with that tradition but I've come to really appreciate it.  It takes some getting used to, though, as it is rather a somber time.

We don't usually give gifts for Lent.  We don't even have jolly songs for Lent.  In fact, most are probably written in the minor keys.  They aren't likely to be heard overhead at the mall.  Unlike the Christmas Season, there aren't any great Lent candies or cookies.  In fact, many give such things up altogether during Lent.  Why?

I've come to think of Lent as a time we ponder what Jesus had to go through to get to the point of resurrection.  Easter is so glorious but it did not happen, could not  have happened, without Jesus first going through pain, humiliation, rejection and finally a horrible and public death.  We have to face the dismal truth that we were responsible for that!  This is the only way we can then experience the great relief of forgiveness for our sins- Jesus' gift to us!

Live and Learn

Drinking from this size of a container didn't turn out to be such a good idea...

Grandpa

Yesterday I brought Cordelia home with me, her Mom to follow a bit later.  Cordelia fell asleep in har carseat but woke briefly when I carried her into the house.  She didn't cry.  She looked around and realizing where she was whispered, "Grandpa, Grandpa..." and fell back to sleep.  Cordy and Grandpa have a delightful little relationship; It is fun to watch them together. 

I have precious memories of my Grandpa also.  I like to remember how he would take me around town when we visited them.  As we went to the grocery store, drugstore, or gas station he'd introduce me around (he seemed to know everyone).  I just knew they all thought of me as some kind of royalty once they realized I was his grandaughter.  Yep, he made me feel like a princess. 

VACATION!

I recently enjoyed a nice family vacation to Arizona.  There, we spent time with Ben (son), Sara (daughter-in-law), and Carol (mother-in-law).  It was so great just to be together.  I really think a family commune would be a good idea but I can't quite get everyone on board with that. 

We made it to downtown Phoenix to see Body World and The Brain.  Have you seen that exhibition?  I was excited to see it and was actually quite awed by the experience.  Each body was posed to best show muscles, nerves, etc.  The exhibit included a baby in utero as well as babies from about all stages of prenatal development.  I think those were the ones most impressive to me.  Even at 8 weeks gestation, the babies were clearly human.  How can abortion be right?  Oops...I was just about to get up on my soapbox.  Maybe another day.

Anyway, Body World was amazing but knowing that the bodies were real people gave me a very odd feeling.  I wasn't creeped out but rather felt like I was getting a little too personal with strangers.  Just for the record, I do not want to be plasticized.

After the tour, we went for lunch.  The weather was lovely!

Here are pictures from our outdoor lunch...

 It was a good time.  I am so grateful for the ability to travel to family.

Women Supporting Women

Two things happened yesterday.  Both involved the interactions of women and it made me ponder the power we have with our most simple actions and words.

I received a phone call from a friend, always a nice thing.  We worked together at my last job and I so appreciate that she keeps in touch.  We had a nice conversation.  However, she did tell me that another woman had mentioned my name, blaming me for a problem she had caused herself.  It was just one sentence but it really caused a flood of negative emotions in me!  I wanted to do something!  I wanted to write the woman a strong letter!  I stewed about it for an hour or so.  Why would she do this?  What had I done to make her want to make me look bad?  Who else was she talking to?  Were people believing her lie?  I am sorry to say that I allowed this news to really sour my afternoon.

Then.... I went to Bible Study.

What a contrast!

Our little group had decided we wanted to offer encouragement to someone.  So, as a group, we decided to offer encouragement and support to a woman locally that we knew was under a lot of stress.  Most of us didn't really know this woman but she is an administrator of a healthcare facility that has been having a lot of problems lately.  We knew that she probably felt she was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders right now.  In fact, we ended up deciding to spread the love and we are planning small ways to support not only her, but two other women who work with her.  We enjoyed talking about the little things we could do to let them know we are supporting them, without judgment...women supporting women.  Even just the planning made us feel good.

As I'm thinking about this I'm remembering other times when just a few words changed someone's outlook, if even only for a few minutes.  We have so much power! 

I watched a pharmacy clerk yesterday as she was preparing my order for me.  I've interacted with her many times before and she's always seemed a bit sad and maybe a little pinched, like she was tasting something bitter.  I'm a little scared of her.  She had a new haircut, though, and I was silently admiring it.  Finally, I decided to just do it, blurt out what I was thinking, "You've got a new hairstyle.  I really think it looks nice."  That's pretty much all I said but you should've seen the change!  Her eyes shot up and she looked right at me.  I don't think she ever did that before!  She smiled!  She tentatively reached her hand to her hair and smiled again.  It was a beautiful transformation to see.

We need to support one another, not discourage.  So, just remember, you have a lot of power!  Please use it wisely and for the good!  ...And use it often.

Sunday Quiet Time

When I see the sun beaming through clouds, it always makes me think of God.

Psalm 104:33    I will sing to the Lord as long as I live; I will sing praise to my God while I have being.

Happy Sunday!

Homesteaders

This is a picture of my great grandma, probably taken in the 70's.  This is pretty much how I remember her.  I was a teen-ager when she died.  I remember being sad but as I think back, I don't really remember having a lot of interaction with her.  I saw her only as she was then, an old lady.  I don't remember her being terribly cuddly or warm but she was always nice to us.  I do remember her Southern accent with a voice that stood out in a crowd.  We didn't have any cute name we called her.  In fact, I remember that we called her, "great-grandma".   It seems strange now that we didn't call her anything warmer or shorter.  I wish we'd called her Grandma Rhoda.  Too late now.  I'm sure at the time she was wearing this dress,  I probably just thought of it as an old lady's dress.  Today, as I look at this picture, I'm thinking, "Is that Orange Paisley?!"  

This is her in her younger years.  She and my great-grandpa were Wyoming Homesteaders.  They left North Carolina and arrived in Wyoming on an emigrant train.  My Grandma Rose was just a baby at that time and the homestead was so far out in the boonies that Grandma Rose was an adolescent before she ever got to come into town! 

Now, I am awed by what they did and how their life was.  I wish I'd had sense enough as a child to ask her questions about her life.  I really know nothing of her life before Wyoming.  I've heard stories of their homestead years but not from her point of view.  What was it like to live in a drafty log cabin on the Wyoming prairie?  How in the world did they provide food for all their children during the long winters?  Was she ever scared?  Did she ever have a moment to herself?  Did she have a chance to have fun or was her life always a struggle to keep up?  What about her faith?  How much contact did she have with her family in North Carolina?  Who helped her when she gave birth?  What was her grocery list like when my great-grandpa went to town maybe once or twice a year?  How did they make money?

So many questions.  Too late.

My Life Was Interrupted

I am attending a Women's Bible Study at our church.  We are about to complete our study of Jonah by Pricilla Shirer.  It is not the first time I've studied Jonah.  It seems each time I go through  it I get something new from it.  Pricilla started right off talking about how Jonah's life was interrupted.  That caught my attention in a personal way...

My life was whirling along just as I'd planned in early 2010.  I was working as an oncology nurse and absolutely loved what I did.  Yes, it was hard and stressful at times but I found such satisfaction working with these people.  I was up close and personal with people who were often discovering they were able to draw upon a strength they previously hadn't even acknowledged.  It was beautiful.

Then, early last year I got sick.  That's not supposed to happen!  I am a caretaker!  I was treated.  I got better.  I got sick.  I was treated.  I got better.  I got sick.  I went to the hospital.  I was treated for a long, long time.  I got a bit better.  I got sick again.  You get the idea.  Each time I got better, I returned to work.  Finally, it became apparent that I needed to give up the job I loved, at least for now.

MY LIFE WAS INTERRUPTED! 

So, what now?  Maria (my daughter) and I came up with a plan to build on a little home business idea.  I'd made and sold a few pieces of jewelry before but was always too busy to really do much.  But now, we've made all sorts of things!  We've had a lot of fun and I've really enjoyed being creative.  It's been such a joy to be with Maria and Cordelia (grandaughter) so much.  There are many good things about it but I still fretted that I needed to get back to taking care of patients.  I thought that was my calling!

Through this study I've felt myself becoming more relaxed about the changes.  One of the things that bothered me was that being an oncology nurse felt like a ministry to me. I felt it was God's plan for me.  Well, it was, but maybe not forever...or maybe not again for just awhile.  Now, I realize that it doesn't have to make sense to me, but it is important that I just trust God to lead me to what his plan is for me.  It's humbling and it has been a bit hard on my ego, but it has been a growing experience for me for sure!  I don't know where it's going from here, but I know who is in charge!

The title of this blog, Only The Manager, is a result of this study and my life's interruptions.  God is the owner of my life, I am only the manager. 

I bet you've had interruptions as well.  I'd like to hear about them. (That sounds strange to write since I have only 1 follower right now, but who knows?)

Meet Miss Jane.  Jane is a ladylike cat.  She's generally quite polite where food is involved and that has always kind of surprised me.  Her sister cat, Mindy, is very shy.  When I am offering cat treats, Mindy wouldn't be brave enough to ever get anything if it weren't that Jane is polite and shares nicely. 

All that ended when I purchased catnip flavored treats!  Jane can't help herself.  I scattered a few around the floor (so they get to "hunt").  She couldn't get from one to the next fast enough!  Poor Mindy didn't even make it to the banquet until it was all gone.

Now, I wait until both cats answer my call before I serve the treats.  Also, I put a few right by Mindy, just to be sure.

Someday I'll introduce you more thoroughly to Mindy.  I'm not sure you are ready for that yet, though. She's the craziest cat I've ever known and I've known a lot of cats!

Painting

I was painting our bedroom recently.  As is my custom, I began with a message.  I like thinking that what I wrote is still there, under the coats of paint I added later.

A Little Visitor and Her Friends

This little beauty came by today.  We watched WonderPets! 

                    That's a pretty sweet way to start the week!                                              

Kathy Mattea or The King's Speech

Today my husband and I were planning to go out of town overnight.  The highlight of our trip was to have been a Kathy Mattea Concert.  I've enjoyed her music for years.  She was the first person I heard sing the song, " Mary Did You Know?"  I loved that song instantly!   We sing it at church each December now, and my kids watch to see if I'll cry.  Sometimes I do a little bit.

Anyway, the weather didn't cooperate.  Wyoming was hit with a lot of snow.  I'm sure that if someone was needing one of my kidneys or something, we could've made the trip.  However, it was just a bit too risky to make the trip for fun.

So.... onto plan B.  We went to see the movie, The King's Speech.  It was about Queen Elizabeth's Dad, King George VI.  Actually, most of the movie was about his speech impediment.  It sounds like a strange topic for a movie but I gave  it 5 stars out of 5.  I thought it was a charming movie, well-acted and well-directed.  It isn't a life-changing movie, I suppose, but definitely worth our time.  It took our minds off of Kathy Mattea for a bit.