Parenting

Mike and I have been parenting for 31 years and it is still one of my very favorite things.  There have been some times when it was among the hardest things we've done but the joys have been so much bigger.  I do not take it for granted.

Another favorite thing is watching our children as parents (yes, I count Eric as one of our children as well).  They are very good at it.

Son-in-Law, Eric, with Elise

Daughter, Maria, with Cordelia

Remember Who's You Are

Mike went to seminary in St. Paul, Minnesota.  His third year of seminary was his internship year.  After a lot of years of schooling it was exciting to think of where we'd be sent for internship year.  We knew we'd be back at seminary for another year after internship but to experience a year in the real world, away from academia seemed like a big deal at the time.

I admit is was not convenient to uproot our little kids again for that year to move away.  Maria was just a first grader and Ben was only three years old, but things worked out well.   "Away" turned out to be to Wyoming, to the very town where my Mom and most of her side of the family lived.  My brother and his family were there as well as one of my sisters, my Grandma Rose and quite a few of my aunts, uncles and cousins.  I was thrilled!

The congregation to which Mike was assigned was vibrant, to say the least.  It was absolutely FULL of young families and soooo much fun for us.  Mike worked HARD, though.  He was paid very little and put in very, very long hours but the pastor who was his leader, Pastor Hillman, was a great teacher for him.    Our kids loved him.

Maria named him Pastor "He-Man"!

One of the things that Pastor Hillman taught us was actually a parenting phrase.  I remember he and his wife saying that when their teenagers would leave the house to go with friends, they'd say to them, "Remember WHO's you are!"  I loved that.  I remembered that!  Our kids were just little, in fact Sam wasn't even born yet, but I saved that little nugget and used it when they were older, so did Mike.

To me, it could be taken two ways.  It could be a simple reminder that they are part of our family.  They are loved by us and we wanted them to make good choices.  However, our kids knew that we meant more than that.  We wanted them to remember that they were Children of God.  As such, they were loved completely.  Of course, I wanted them to also remember what was expected of them as they made choices of how they wanted to lead their lives.

I don't know if we were just being manipulative parents or if we were on to something truly inspiring...or both.  When you are watching a piece of your heart walk out the front door, though, I think you will try whatever you can to cloak them with your love.  Did our kids make teenage mistakes like everyone else's?  Well, they did make some mistakes and like all teens, they were a "work in progress", but all three developed character strong with integrity.

I still love those words.  I see now that they are words for all of us, not just teenagers.  Every day I know that I face times when my first instinct is to act regrettably.  Maybe I want to snap a snotty comment at the person or tell a less-than-flattering tale about a person so that I will look better by comparison.  I fight those types of urges daily.  I don't always win but I want to try harder to remember Who's I am.

Here's a current song that kind of touches on this subject.  I hope you like it.

The Look and the 1-2-3

 OK, this is what I want you to do.  First, click on The Inspired Housewife's blog so you know what I am talking about, then come right back.....


......back already?

So, Diane asks if you use "The Look".  I think most of us, mothers or not, have a look we give to our children or spouses.  Am I right?

The reason I wanted to discuss this is because when I read her blog it reminded me of a parenting nugget I have to share.  It's not original but I used it so consistently that the results were nothing short of amazing.

Young parents, listen up.  Once you have perfected the look, a good one that gets your child's attention, you need to get your fingers in on the action.  You should probably practice this technique in private first, when you are not under stress.  That way it will come quite naturally as a follow-up to your "look" in an actual live-action situation.  In fact, I'd suggest you practice the "look" in front of the mirror in case you are a bit unsure of yourself.

Here's how it goes.  You do something stern with your mouth.  I think I kind of tighten my lips, raise my eyebrows and then pull them together.  It's good if you can refrain from blinking but if not, just be sure it is a long and slow blink that is loaded with disappointment.  Then make very, very direct eye contact with your offspring.  You say something like, "You'd better get down from there before I count to 3."  That's when the fingers jump in.  It is important that this begins at home when you are able to sternly count out loud, 1-2-3, as you pop the appropriate number of fingers to correlate with your count.  Don't count too fast.  At "3", a consequence must take place.  I usually put the child in time-out, or at least that was my plan.  This process began when our kids were really little and by the time they were 4 or 5 I don't think they even remembered what happened at "3".  They knew it was something they wanted to avoid and they corrected their behavior by "2".

The beauty of this simple technique was that I could do it in public with no one being aware except my child.  In church I could just catch their eye and raise 1 finger, 2 at the most.  Noise stopped.  It was like magic.

Here's the funniest part of it.  I still use it on Sam!

Sam is about 6'4" tall.  He still hates to see the fingers!  It's really rather funny to me.  I've no idea what I'd do now if I ever got to "3", but it doesn't really matter.

Now, if only I could get it to work on Bode...

Sam, Crazy Fiction Writer

Our son, Sam, is about to graduate high school.  It is such a strange feeling!  When I was expecting Sam, Mike and I realized that by the time the baby I was carrying graduated high school, we'd  have been raising children for 30 years!  That seemed like it would be such a long time, but here we are already.  How did that happen so quickly?

The other night we attended a senior awards night at his school.  Sam didn't want to go but that was no surprise.  He also doesn't want to go to his own graduation.  We are still parenting, though, and we aren't offering options in these two situations.

We'd forced Sam to attend a similiar ceremony when he was finishing his years at Jr. High.  We'd known he was being honored with one award then, but it turned out he was called up to the stage 5 times!  The award that night that was most special to us as parents was when he received the "Kindness Award".  This was a position voted on by parents and students alike.  Before they announced the name, as they were giving the description, I remember thinking that it sounded like an award Sam should win!  Sam had been out of school the day they'd done this voting and knew nothing about it.  He seemed a bit distressed by it, probably thinking this award lowered his "cool" status or something.  We loved it!

So, we went to awards night.  Mike and I graduated from a class of 13.  We knew everyone, their families and their friends.  For us, it was rare to attend any school function and spot a stranger.  At this ceremony for the seniors, there were hundreds of people that didn't even look familiar.  I wish our kids could have attended a smaller school.  No, I don't say that just because these ceremonies would've been a LOT shorter with fewer kids to honor!  Well, maybe that is a little bit of that wish...

Sam had to make the long walk to the stage to receive recognition for a scholarship he was receiving.  We'd known about that ahead and were grateful for it.  The fun was when they started to do "in house" awards.  A presenter would tell the name of an award and a bit about how the decision was made as to who should receive the award.  In most cases it seemed to be the teachers who chose the recipients.  There were quite a few awards for things such as "Spirit" and "Quiet Inspiration".  Since Sam didn't like to join extra-curricular activites we weren't expecting him to receive any of these awards.  They were rightly going to the kids who were in all the plays or helped out at various functions. 

However, as they started to read the description of one award my instantaneous thought was, "Sam is going to win that!"  He did!  It was the award for Outstanding Fiction Writer.  Sam has really shown talent in his writing and had won a similiar award way back in grade school.  He is a kid with interesting thoughts and he is good at expressing them in compelling ways.  Usually he instills a fair bit of humor into this process, making it fun for the reader.

Sam received a certificate as well as a journal.  Unlike me, he was surprised that he was given this award.  He'd never noticed that he'd impressed any of his teachers with his writing.  He was most pleased when he read what was written in the journal as it was written by his favorite teacher.  I thought it was an interesting inscription...

I think Sam was proud to be thought of as having some craziness!

Congratulations, Sam!