Wait! I Need to Love You!

Defining One's Self

I ended my post yesterday trying to lead you into thinking about how you should define yourself by good memories, quit holding on to (treasuring) bad memories. So, I started trying to sort out exactly how I define who I am. Here are my top three:

1) I am a Child of God.

Ok, that's not news. I tried then to think of memories linked to that statement. One of those memories was from before I started school. We lived in Commerce City, Colorado. I remember waiting out in our car, ready to head for church. I had a pen. I had a Bible. I wrote my name in the front of that Bible. That is a pretty defining memory, I think. I spent quite a bit of time looking for that old Bible. I really think I still have it somewhere but maybe not. I do have two of my old childhood Bibles, though.

This first one was given to me by my Dad in 1968. It had been his and I think he gave it to me when I was baptized. I was 10 years old. A lot of things seemed more simple then. He had written notes in it and later, so did I. There are two $1 bills tucked in the front. I have no idea why but I would guess I forgot to put them in a Sunday School offering the last time I used the Bible. I think I should put them in the offering plate now, don't you?

 

This second Bible was given to me by my parents on June 12, 1971. I don't know why or for what occasion. As far as I know they just thought I needed a new Bible.  Well, look at the one in the above photo. You can only ask just so much of masking tape, I suppose. Anyway, I loved that little Bible. I was easy to pack around and really, it was flat out cute. That's important in a Bible when you are 13 years old.


2) I am a member of a loving family.

Again, not news if you've read my blog at all. We aren't perfect but we love each other. I have roles as a sister, daughter, wife, mother, and now grandmother. I am also an aunt, daughter and sister-in-law, etc. You get the picture.

The first time I moved away from home I went to Moorhead, MN. I worked as a real estate secretary and one day at work I realized it was the first time in my life that the people I spent the most time with did not even know my family. My boss and co-workers did not know my family. Even my roommate never met my family. It was such a weird feeling to me. How could these people ever really know me without knowing my family? It was a new experience to see myself as separate from my family in such an ongoing way. I didn't really like that.

3) I am a nurse.

I haven't always been a nurse and someday I will retire from nursing. I will still be me. However, even if it is not professionally, I think I strongly define myself with my need to feel like I am helpful and caring in some way.

My earliest childhood memories of this part of my character revolve around my little sister, Tina. You can get to know Tina here. My sister has cerebral palsy and her handicap likely has something to do with why I became a nurse in the first place. When we were young and I walked anywhere with her, I learned to grab a wad of the shirt/dress/coat on her back. This was to help stop her from falling if she tripped. As her older sister, that need to nurture and care for her was pretty strong when we were little.

Tina did fall a lot as a little kid. I seemed to think it was my job, when she fell and cut her head, to run get a damp cloth.  Mom would press and hold the wound, which in itself is pretty amazing if you know Mom. She has a little problem with blood. In fact, even as she is reading my post here, she's probably getting woozy, right, Mom?

So, that defines me a bit. Now, what about you? Anyone care to tackle that self-definition? What are your top definers?

Happy Birthday, Tina!

I want to say something to my little sister, Tina...

I'm getting a lot better at cake-decorating, aren't I (wink, wink)?  OK, that photo is from foshefamiliy.blogspot.com.  Anyway, I hope you have a lovely day! You have always been such a sweet sister, I want to be the first to wish you a Happy 31st birthday!  (That little lie about your age is my gift to you... you're welcome.)

If you want to know about a person with real courage, read about my sister here, where I talk of some of my memories of her childhood dealing with cerebral palsy.  Then click here to check out her blog and read some of her memories first hand.  She now uses her blog to help others deal with cerebral palsy.

There is more to my sister, though, than her ability to deal with cerebral palsy. She is a mother who wants the best for her children. She is a daughter who honors her own mother. She is a sister who worries about my problems even when her own are much greater. She is also a friend to many. So, join me in telling her...

(Thank you, Google Images, for all the above photos. I didn't even realize you knew my sister.)

Growing Up With Cerebral Palsy

My younger sister, Tina, has cerebral palsy.  She's done a lot of things in her life despite this fact, things like everyone else.  She went to college, she worked, she married, she had children, she traveled, she even lived in Japan for a time.  Later, she endured a divorce and carried on raising her children alone.  She lives in her own home, drives her own car and has her own friends.  However, all of those things are a lot more work for her than for anyone else.

Tina's life has always been a lot more work than for most of us.  She was such a pretty little blonde girl with a big giant smile!  We are close enough in age I don't really remember watching her learn to walk but it had to have been scary as she had to learn to walk with crutches.  Can you imagine?!  I remember her being just a little tiny girl walking with big clunky braces and teeny, tiny crutches.  At that time, that just seemed normal to me.  That was just the way she walked.

If I remember right, Tina started school in a hospital.  She was 5 years old when our whole family moved to Lincoln, Nebraska.  The reason for our move was because she had a long, long time to be in a hospital.  She was only able to be at home for holidays.  During that year she underwent a lot of misery.  Her hips were dislocated and the process to help her was grueling.  She was in a cast up to her waist with openings for her to go to the bathroom on a bedpan.  There was a bar between her feet.  At intervals, maybe weekly, they cut the bar and added more to it.  Each time we visited, her feet and legs were spread further and further apart until she had her legs sticking out almost to the side with a big round bar holding her legs that way.  It was awful.  I remember that bar very well because when she came home for holidays I shared my bottom bunk with her!  Looking back, I can't imagine how she endured all that.

When Tina was a first grader we were living in Scottsbluff, Nebraska.  Because she was handicapped, she wasn't allowed to go to school with us.  She had to go to a special school that had a classroom for handicapped kids.  I wish I had that photo here (it is at our Mom's house) of her first class.  She's so cute, all smiley and pretty.  In the photo, though she is maybe 6 years old, her classmates are much older.  They ranged all the way through high school age.  Most of them had handicaps of a cognitive nature.  I think Tina had a fun year and didn't know any difference, but that photo always makes my  heart sad.  I can't imagine how it made our Mom feel.

 Later, we lived in places small enough that there were no special classrooms for handicapped kids.  Thanks be to God!  Tina was a very smart little girl and needed a chance to learn alongside her peers.  

Unfortunately, Tina had more to endure.  When she was a third grader she had to go back to that hospital in Lincoln, Nebraska.  Our family had very little money and our Dad was trying to finish college and support us all at the same time.  Tina spent a lot of time in Lincoln, away from her family.  Later, that was repeated when she was in 6th grade or so, in a Shriner's Hospital in Minneapolis.  By then we were living only a few hours away and got to visit a bit more often but she still had to endure pain and frightening procedures alone.  On a side note, though, we all remain grateful to the Shriner's for offering all those services at no charge.  That's amazing.

Tina is smart.  In spite of her strange classroom experiences, she did well and later went through high school in only three years.  I think that those teen years were pretty tough, not that she'd say it to us then.   She was pretty, smart and sweet but a lot of teens, struggling to fit in themselves, did not take the time to get to know the girl on crutches.  I think most were nice to her, but few took the time to develop a true friendship with her.  That can't have been easy on her but it surely made her appreciate those who did see beyond the crutches.  Thankfully, as an adult, she has found a variety of kind and caring people who have been true friends to her.

Tina now writes a blog, Living With Cerebral Palsy, that helps others who are dealing with similar obstacles.  Her blog is also helpful to the rest of us, helping us better understand.  I spent my childhood with her and I still learn things from her blog!  I'm afraid that I was a typical kid, seeing things only from my own perspective and not always realizing what childhood was like for her.  Reading her blog can be eye-opening.  Today, she has a particularly clarifying post.  I really, really hope that you will click here to read what she has to say about living with constant muscle spasms. It's not a whiny post; Tina is not a whiny person.  It is, however, a post that may make you appreciate your own muscles a bit more.

I remember talking to Tina, when we were kids, about how it feels to be unable to walk.  She told me that it just felt normal.  In fact, she told me that the thought of walking like the rest of us was probably the same as it was for me to try to explain how it feels to not be able to flap my arms and fly.  She is, however, looking forward to heaven and to a time when she believes she will be able to walk.  I like to think she'll also be able to fly!

Victory in Jesus

I love singing in church!  I always have.  This love is not because I have a great voice, but I do have enthusiasm!  My sister and I used to sing together for church services on occasion.  She had the stronger voice and better range so she sang the melody.  I played the piano and sang alto.  We were limited on song choices by my ability to sing the alto part (I love singing harmony but it just doesn't come naturally to me) and my very limited ability on the piano.  We had fun, though.

One of the songs from those years was "Victory in Jesus".  We sang it with some zip.  Actually, we sang most songs with zip because I liked to play fast.  It was probably a nervous thing, I don't know.  Anyway, I was excited recently because our worship team is singing an updated version of this song.  It is syncopated and fun and I will definitely be thinking of my sister as we sing it!  The picture below is from last Summer.  My sister, Tina, is holding my grandaughter, Cordelia.

In my zest for singing, though, I find that I am focusing so hard on notes and tempo, I forget to ponder the words.  For some reason, I get more out of the words at times if I just pause and read through the verses and chorus first.  This old song has some particular nuggets that speak to me.  I think all of us have times when we feel we have a broken spirit in need of healing.

Victory in Jesus

copyright 1939 by  E. M. Bartlett

I heard an old, old story, how a Savior came from glory,

How He gave His life on Calvary to save a wretch like me;

I heard about His groaning, of His precious blood's atoning,

Then I repented of my sins and won the victory.

chorus  O victory in Jesus, my Savior, forever!

He sought me and bought me with His redeeming blood;

He loved me ere I knew Him, and all my love is due Him-

He plunged me to victory beneath the cleansing flood.

I heard about His healing, of His cleansing pow'r revealing,

How He made the lame to walk again and caused the blind to see;

And then I cried, "Dear Jesus, come and heal my broken spirit",

Then I repented of my sins and won the victory.

chorus  O victory in Jesus, my Savior, forever!

He sought me and bought me with His redeeming blood;

He loved me ere I knew Him, and all my love is due Him-

He plunged me to victory beneath the cleansing flood.

I heard about a mansion He has built for me in glory,

And I heard about the streets of gold beyond the crystal sea;

About the angels singing and the old redemption story,

And some sweet day I'll sing up there the song of victory.

chorus  O victory in Jesus, my Savior, forever!

He sought me and bought me with His redeeming blood;

He loved me ere I knew Him, and all my love is due Him-

He plunged me to victory beneath the cleansing flood.

Do you know this song?