Tears in the Darkness

I want to tell you about Ben Steele... again.  Ben is the father of one of our friends. I met him a time or two but I have to say, at the time, I really had no idea who or what he was. Truthfully, I didn't really ponder him much at all. He was an older gentleman who seemed nice enough. I had heard he was an artist. Mostly, though, he was just Rosemarie's Dad and I didn't ask many questions about his life. It is a good lesson to me. No one is a blank canvas. Everyone has a story worth telling. Ben got a chance to do just that.

Ben was a Montana boy who went off to war during WWII, ending up in the Philippines. He just wanted to serve his country and get back to being a cowboy in Montana. His life took a very awful detour! Ben ended up among those Americans captured. He endured the Bataan Death March. He survived a horrible sailing to Japan, where he was held as a P.O.W. He was close enough to Hiroshima to hear the explosion when the bomb dropped!

Ben Steele is the key character in the book Tears in the Darkness, written by Michael and Elizabeth Norman.  It is one of the most difficult books to read. Don't get me wrong, it is well written. The problem is, it is brutally honest. The things Ben and the thousands of other Americans and Filipinos endured are so horrible, I could not have imagined it worse.

Ben Steele saw such atrocities! He suffered disease, injury and near starvation. Even as I type these words I know that I am not giving you a good picture of what happened to him. It is so horrifying, I can't quite bring myself to tell you more.

A few years back Mike's Mom gave us the gift of a trip to Oahu. Our first day there we toured Pearl Harbor and learned more about the horrors of war that had occurred in that beautiful place. Somehow I felt that I didn't have the right to enjoy Hawaii until I'd suffered through some of that. I guess that is kind of how I feel about this book. I felt it was important that I finish it; that I try to understand what this kind art instructor from Montana had endured in his youth.

It is a hard experience, even to just read about. I just looked back at my old posts and one year ago I talked of this book, even though I'd not yet finished it. Honestly, after that, I had to put it aside for awhile. Only recently did I bring it out to finish. I do recommend this book, but not for the horrible stories so much as the bright spots that shined out, even during the worst times.  It is incredible to read about the courage those men had. Many risked their own lives to help each other. Mostly, though, I was so impressed by the unbelievable endurance shown by men such as Ben Steele.

The best part, to me, was the place of peace and forgiveness that Ben Steele eventually managed to settle in. After reading all that he went through, all that he saw, it is hard to understand how he finally came to let go of the anger and hatred. It's all there in the book, though.

From the point of historical value, this book really gives more depth to what you may have learned in a classroom about that period in time. I learned so much! Anyone who values historical perspective will find value in this book.

As I prepared this post, I found a wonderful site where you can hear Ben Steele himself tell part of his story to the couple who authored the book. It may take a couple of seconds to load up but I hope you will take the time to listen. Ben Steele also documented many of his experiences through his art. He's a gifted artist and his work is sprinkled throughout the book.

The Power to Influence

Not long ago I made a minor mistake. I apologized. What I received for my apology was a single sentence that was thought out and constructed to make me feel small in front of others. It wasn't any big deal. I didn't let his opinion define me as he doesn't even know me. I admit that I did let his words float around in my head the rest of the day and they had the power to bring me down a bit. I still don't know exactly how to control those kind of thoughts but by the end of the day I had pretty much wrestled that one to the ground.

I have attended enough communication and relationship workshops to know that no one but myself is responsible for how I feel. Others can try to demean me or lift me up, but the ultimate responsibility for my feelings is me. Yea, yea, yea.... I know that. But, like most people, I allow the words of others to affect how I feel about myself, at least for the moment.

By contrast, I have so many friends and family that make me feel valued. Again, I know that only I am responsible for my feelings but they make it so much easier for me to feel good about myself! That's what I want to do for others as well. I want to make it easier for people in my day to feel good about themselves.

I don't want to pass out empty compliments but I do want to notice people more. Sometimes that may be what they need the most, just to be noticed. I'm going to try harder this week to do that. If someone bags my groceries with good care, I want to thank them and let them know that I noticed. If a patient is showing courage in the face of great fear, I want to commend them. Perhaps they haven't attended all those relationship workshops and they will allow me to influence how they feel. If so, I'd better use that power wisely and use it for good.

How about you? Do you have stories of times someone's words helped you feel better about yourself?

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, 

people will forget what you did, but people will never 

forget how you made them feel.” 

― Maya Angelou

I Did It Again!

What is wrong with me?!










 Years ago, while speaking on the phone with a hotel desk clerk, I was enjoying listening to her fancy British accent. We were in New Mexico so her British accent was rather unexpected. The problem is, I am a chameleon when it comes to accents, picking up the accent of those around me. Usually I can keep it in my head but sometimes it slips out. That's what happened with her. The last sentence I said to her came out in a British accent.... likely not a very good one! I'm sure she thought I was making fun of her but it wasn't intentional. Apparently I can not help myself!


(Photo of Big Ben by Vichaya Kiatying-Angsulee, .from 
    freedigitalphotos.net)


Recently I was waiting in line at Hobby Lobby. I was listening to the clerk speak with the customer in front of me. The clerk had a sweet southern accent that just wrapped itself around me. When it was my turn to check out she asked me if I'd found everyting. I responded with something like, "Yes, thank-you. I sure did." That seems appropriate, right? Well, the problem is, it came out in an accent from the deep south.  I am not from the deep south. The clerk didn't seem to notice anything because of course she did not know my normal accent. Well, then I had a real predicament. If I spoke normally, she might think I had been making fun of her. If I continued in a southern accent on purpose it would be deceptive and likely not good enough to fool her anyway. So, for the rest of the conversation I just tried to be as non-verbal as possible, answering with smiles and nods. I didn't know what else to do! 

Have any of you ever done something like this? I would sure feel better if you could tell me I'm not alone in this weirdness.

Sam and Elise, Uncle and Niece

Go ahead and say it- "Aaaaaaaah..."

Be Yourself

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” 

― Oscar Wilde

One Thing Remains

Commercial Break

Mother's day is coming up and we have just put a bunch of new items up on Wyoming Rose Boutique!

Stay tuned for your regularly scheduled blog...

Yesterday Bits

Yesterday started out quite cold and with lots of snow piled everywhere. We had so much snow, Walmart disappeared! Well, perhaps it is just a matter of perspective. Also, notice that the snow packed and icy road is all melted.

As the melting continued, it became a great day for icicles. 

All of these were gone a few hours after this photo was taken.

I enjoyed a lot of family time as we celebrated Maria's birthday.

Yes, I know you shouldn't cut the cake before the candles are blown out...

unless your dog happened to reach it and leave a nose mark in the corner.

That figures. Really, I just have bad cake luck.

And in this case, a bad dog!

I didn't even try to get the cake out of the pan. 

It is just better that way. If you don't know my cake decorating history,

please click here.

Cordelia was invited to help her Momma blow out candles.

It was a lovely day!

Happy Birthday Beautiful Daughter!

This
pretty
young
woman...
is
our
daughter,
Maria.


Sometimes
I
look
at
her
and
am
amazed
by
her
beauty.




Her loveliness goes way beyond what you can see in this photo, though, because it shines outward from her heart. She has such a determined sense of kindness and caring, she brightens this world! She is known for her artistic eye and creative talent. She teaches and shares her skills with others, pointing them toward their full potential as well.

To watch her mother her two little girls is pure joy for me. She mothers with a wonderful mixture of wisdom and gentleness. Her sweet girls are lucky children to have such a mother.

I will always be grateful that I was given the gift of mothering her.

I am so proud of our daughter, and today is her birthday!

Happy Birthday, Maria! I love you so much!
.

I Don't Mean to Be Rude...

Dear Winter,

I think you may have misunderstood me.

Yes, I am grateful for all the moisture you gave us recently.





But really...



You could step aside now.

Give Spring a chance. 

It's the honorable thing to do. You've had your turn.

You've done your job.

But you are getting to be a bit annoying.

What if I wanted to sit down on a nice bench and listen to the birds?

I don't mean to be rude but I'd like some gentle Spring rain now, instead of snow. 

Don't take it personally.

Your snow is beautiful.

I like rain, too, though.

I don't have to scrape it off my windows.

You are welcome to come back after next Fall... but don't rush it.

Your's truly,
Sue

Spirit of Selflessness

“It's really a wonder that I haven't dropped all my ideals, because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because in spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart.” 

― Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl

As I looked at some of the images from Boston yesterday, I noticed something that I think is important. In image after image I saw people helping each other, risking their own lives rather than running away. I think it is important to focus on that fact. Whether it was a group or a single person responsible for this evil, there were so many other people behaving with kindness and caring, showing goodness and a spirit of selflessness.  I'm holding on to that. I need to look for the light in the darkness.

42

Mike and I went out to hear a movie last night. Yep, that is right. We went and HEARD a movie. Actually, we saw the first half hour or so of it. Then, the emergency flood lights blinked on and then off again, followed by darkness except for the little tiny runway lights that light the stairs. The picture was gone but for some reason the sound continued.

I quickly thought the worst, that something bad was about to happen. I shouldn't admit it but I was kind of glad we were seated near the emergency exit as I was already planning an escape. Nothing bad happened, though. They turned on some lights that shone on the blank screen and the movie sound kept going. So, we stayed and continued to listen, despite the technical difficulties.

A lot of people went in and out, one guy right behind us started talking on his phone. I gave him a look and he got up and walked out, still talking. I think we stayed and listened for maybe 20-30 minutes more. We could still tell what was going on and it was a good movie. I kept hoping the screen would light up again but it didn't.

Eventually, even the sound was turned off. We found out that a power surge had caused all the theaters there (8 of them) to lose their pictures. They had managed to restart half of them but they were giving us rain checks for our's.

So, here's my review on the movie we heard...

The movie was 42 and it is a sports movie about Jackie Robinson. Well, it was a baseball movie but it really wasn't about the baseball. It was about the first black player given the chance to play in the previously all white professional baseball league. It was not an easy thing that he did; it was a dangerous situation. It is so hard for me to realize the hatred and stupidity he had to face.



This movie isn't all about difficulty and angst. There is also some romance as he proposed and married his beautiful wife, Rachel, early in the movie. It is about family as well. When their son was born he pledges to be a better father than his own had been.

I have to admit I never really thought of a baseball player as having such an important role in our country's history. I do, though! I think racism is one of the ugliest things this world has slung out there. I don't think it was Jackie Robinson's plan in the beginning but I do think he used his athletic talents in a way that led to some very big, very positive changes. Click here if you want to read more about him.

I give a score of 4 (out of 5) for this movie. It is pleasant, informative and exciting... as far as I could tell. I only hope I get to see it someday!

Then, here's a funny thing that happened AFTER the movie. We came home and I turned on SWITCHED AT BIRTH on Netflix. I've been watching it on and off for awhile. Quite a few of the characters in this show are deaf and use American Sign Language. Well, I started the episode and they made a little announcement that for that episode only, they would not use sound. The entire episode would all be in American Sign Language! I just thought it was ironic that I came home to watch silent television after attending a movie with ONLY sound. Irony, I guess.

Well, have a lovely Monday. I hope your week starts off well.

Wyoming in the Spotlight

Last night, a little after 7:00 p.m., I glanced out the window and everything looked kind of lit up. I went out on the deck and could see that it was raining, but in between the rain clouds there was bright sunshine peeking through. It was hitting the tops of the trees about a block over. These photos don't really do it justice but you can kind of see how they were being spotlighted.

Then, I looked to one side and I saw part of a rainbow through the trees. Can you see it? It wasn't there very long but it was just so unexpected. Remember, we were buried in snow earlier this week. It was like a gift and it seemed to color the whole sky.

When I looked the other direction I was treated with beautiful lighting on the mountain. It was so bright and crisp! Moments after I took this photo the clouds moved and the scene dulled. I felt so grateful for that I'd walked out onto our deck, in the rain, at just the right time to enjoy show.

"For the Lord is the great God, the great King above all gods. In his hand are the depths of the earth, and the mountain peaks belong to him. The sea is his, for he made it, and his hands formed the dry land." (Psalm 95:3-5)

Happy Birthday Pastor Mike!

It's Mike's birthday!  Yay! I'm so glad he was born!  A big THANK-YOU to my mother-in-law, Carol. I celebrate you today as well!

A funny thing happened at work yesterday. Apparently, a lady from our church sent in birthday wishes to our local station. They announce it during their early morning show. Her message was very specifically to Pastor Mike, not just any Mike. It was from Susie. One of my co-workers saw it and, thinking it was from me, was talking about how sweet it was. (In case you don't know me, my name is Susan but I am also called Sue or Susie.) When I told her it wasn't me, she got kind of embarrassed and apologized for bringing it up. I told her it was all ok. The truth is, it IS from another woman and she DOES love my husband, but I don't mind.

Susie is a woman who is very precious. She doesn't have Down's Syndrome but she's dealt with similar challenges. After Mike first came to this congregation for an interview the congregation took a vote to see if they felt he was the one to be their pastor, Susie's was the only dissenting vote. You see, the previous pastor had a Down's Syndrome sister who was Susie's best friend. She thought if she voted against Mike, maybe that pastor would return, bringing her best friend back. Doesn't that just kind of break your heart?

Anyway, Mike learned this story and when we moved here, he took special care to treat Susie tenderly. Isn't he a sweet guy? She soon loved him. Now, at the end of any church service, she hustles to the fellowship hall and selects some cookies for him. She brings them out to him while he is still shaking hands with people at the sanctuary door. She does this so that he won't miss out on the good cookies. How adorable is that?

So you see, I wasn't jealous even though I know Susie loves Mike. I think he loves her as well. I would never want to interfere with such a sweet relationship.

That story may help you understand what a great husband I have. He notices people who may otherwise get overlooked. He's good at that. He knows how to make Susie laugh and how to make her feel valued. I love that about him!

Mike also has a very mean side to him, though. Yep, I'm telling you it's true. It's a very dark side not seen by many. You see, I am 8 weeks older than is he. Each year, those 8 weeks are just miserable. He's cruel with the old age jokes! This year his theme has been all about taking me out for a meal where I can order off the senior menu. Isn't that rude?! So, yes, he's good and kind to a lot of people, but don't you feel bad for me and for all I put up with? Anyway, I'm so happy it is finally his birthday so I don't have to be older than him anymore...until next February.

Happy Birthday, Pastor Mike!

To read Maria's birthday wishes to her Dad, click here.

Innie or Outie?

Which applies to you? Wait! Please, don't tell me about your belly buttons. I don't really want to know that. I want to know if you are an introvert or an extrovert.

Mike and I are opposites here. I am an extrovert, although not a very strong one. He is an introvert...a VERY strong introvert.  Weird, huh? He's a pastor! Who would have thought? I think most people would expect that a pastor would have to be an extrovert. They work with people all the time, they speak in front of crowds and they rarely have time to themselves. Well, Mike is a good pastor and he is an introvert. Labels don't define us now, do they?

Sometimes people think of introverts as being very shy. I wouldn't call Mike shy. One description  that helped me understand this was that  an extrovert gets energized by being around people and an introvert gets energized more by spending time alone. An introvert can spend time with others and even enjoy it, but they need to be alone to kind of fill up their gas tanks. That basic idea comes from the book Please Understand Me, which uses the Myers-Briggs Personality Test. We've had lots of family members take this test. It is certainly a great conversation starter! It goes way beyond introverts and extroverts.

Another book I would recommend if you are interested in learning more about introverts is this one...

This book theorizes that our society values an extrovert over an introvert. I think that is probably true. However, it goes on to tell why we need introverts in this world. Their ability toward introspection and observation can lead to a lot of great things. I love that Mike is an introvert and I think I always have. When an introvert opens up and shares their thoughts with you, it is pretty wonderful.

One of the lessons in the book was to encourage introverts to be sure to carve out their much needed alone time. Remember, that is how they are energized. That was quite a shock to me early in our marriage as Mike needed that alone time more than I did.  Now, I've come to value it myself even though I am technically an extrovert. See, we can learn from each other! We need each other.

I leave you today with this quote from Hermann Hesse. I just really liked it.

"Within you there is a stillness and a sanctuary 

to which you can retreat any time and 

be yourself."

Walda, My Apologies!

Yesterday morning I left our house about 5:30 a.m. It was dark. It was cold! The roads were snow-packed and icy. In fact, the Interstate heading into town was closed because it was too treacherous.  My sweet husband let me take his vehicle truck (he likes us to call it a truck although it is a petite small SUV) because it has 4-wheel drive and my car does not. I was very grateful. There were some really high piles of snow and I was afraid I would get high-centered. Isn't he a great guy?

Anyhoo... when I came home last evening the sky was bright and everything was wet. I enjoyed watching cars spraying high walls of water on each other. It looked so cool! There was water everywhere! It was a different world than I'd seen at 5:30 a.m.  Since we are in a drought, I felt gratitude for all the moisture!  That is when I realized I owed Walda an apology. I treated her as an unwelcome guest when she was just bringing us water, fresh water! Sorry, Walda! My apologies for not giving you more respect when you were here.

Walda, You've Worn Out Your Welcome!

These photos were taken when I returned home from work last night. 

I had been working indoors for 11 hours, spending the afternoon in a windowless room. 

I had thought Walda was supposed to have moved on by then but it was still snowing!

The roads were getting treacherous and the sky still looked heavy. 

I thought our mailbox looked kind of cool, though.

You people who live East of Wyoming... look out!

Walda is a troublesome guest and she's heading your way.

I won't be sad to see her go.

Be My Guest!

My friend, Nicole, gave me a great idea!  I get to write a post everyday here. Not everyone wants to have their own blog but maybe sometimes you feel the thoughts and words bubbling out with nowhere to go. Well...I am offering you a chance to write a guest post here on my blog.

There will be rules...
1.     Nothing offensive.  Of course it is hard to know what might be offensive, Since it is my blog, I would make the ultimate determination. Yep, kind of like I'm the queen.
2.     I get to make grammatical/spelling corrections. I know, I make plenty of my own mistakes. If I notice them in a guest post, though, it will bug me and I will have to fix it.
3.     I can make up more rules on a whim. It's hard to know what rules I might need.
4.     I will decline any posts that I don't want to feature on my blog. I'd be nice about it but if your post seems wrong for my audience, I will let you know.

So, Nicole? Anyone? If you have some thoughts to share, write them out and e-mail them to me at onlythemanager@yahoo.com. Send photos as attachments if you'd like. Tell me a bit about yourself if you wish for me to do any kind of introduction.

The invitation is open indefinitely! Here's your chance!

Monday Morning

One of my favorite things about Monday morning is looking at the photographs I took on Sunday night of our granddaughters. It is my obligation and duty to share them here, so their other grandmothers get a peek at them as well... that's my excuse anyway.

WORN

Maybe this song speaks to you today...click on the title to hear it.

WORN

by Tenth Avenue North

I'm tired 

I'm worn 

My heart is heavy

From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes 

I've let my hope fail

My soul feels crushed

By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn

Cause I'm worn

I know I need 

To lift my eyes up

But I'm too weak

Life just won't let up

And I know that You can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn

Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin

I'm worn even before the day begins

I'm worn I've lost my will to fight

I'm worn so heaven come and flood my eyes 

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn

Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn

Though I'm worn 

Yeah I'm worn

Family Tapestry

Yesterday my daughter wrote an honest, raw and painful post about the grief of miscarriage. It has taken her some time to be able to talk about this. It is just so hard. In her post, she said she hoped her readers would be able to talk about it also. So, I am going to try to follow her lead on this one. I hope you will first click here to read what she has been through.

My first experience with miscarriage began when I was quite young. My Mom lost one baby before me and another when I was 4 or 5 years old. The first, Brian Keith was born too early to survive, at least in those days. I was conceived before his original due date so I guess if he had survived I would not be here. That is not something I can really work into any neat little package in my brain so I don't really try. I just know there will be another brother to meet in heaven.

Mom's last baby was also born too early. I was old enough to know we were expecting another baby in our family and I was old enough to feel the loss when she died. Little kids handle such things in really weird ways. Me? I named all my dolls after her, Sally May. I hope that didn't cause my Mom even more pain. She'd already endured so much. Sally lived for several hours but things were managed differently in those days. She was not allowed to see or hold her baby. Sally died without the comfort of our mother's arms. That still makes me so sad.

When I was expecting our second baby my doctor became suspicious I was carrying twins. I was not at all surprised. We had twins the prior two generations and I had always kind of thought I'd be the one in this generation to have twins. An ultrasound was scheduled and I was really excited. My friends at work knew why I was having the ultrasound and asked me to call afterword to tell them the results.  I'm so grateful Mike was with me for that ultrasound. The x-ray tech showed us the heartbeat of one baby and then casually said something about the twin that had died. I had not prepared myself one bit for such news! What a mess of emotions! That was the first time I'd ever had an ultrasound and seeing that heartbeat is quite wonderful, but learning that one was dead was awful.  I wasn't prepared.  Later, when I called my friends at work, the response I got was unintentionally really hurtful. One friend said, "Aren't you glad? You wouldn't want twins!"  ...But I did, I really did. I named him Andrew Michael. No, I'm not even sure it was a boy but that's what I decided. If I am wrong, we will call her Andrea or something. I don't know how things like that are worked out in heaven but I'm sure he or she will forgive me if I am wrong with my gender guess.

When we lost the second baby, Mike and I had not even told anyone that we were expecting. It was still a delightful secret. That pregnancy was the first one I'd experienced without vomiting all the time. I felt great! We'd spent the day with our two older kids, Maria and Ben, in Lewistown, MT. The baby was on my mind all day. I was excited for the day we would announce it. Just before we left Lewistown, though, I discovered that I was bleeding. It wasn't much. Sometimes those things happen, right?

We went the 60 miles home and I think I was pretty quiet. When we got home Mike took care of the kids while I went upstairs and called the doctor. Like Maria, I was told there wasn't anything they could do. I remember sitting on the floor of our bedroom weeping. By the time the pain started, I knew I was losing the baby. I called my Mom. I'm sure it was strange for her because she hadn't known we were expecting anyway. Still, she knew the heartbreak. It was a comfort to me to speak with her.  Like Maria, this miscarriage took a lot of time, a couple of very painful days.

One of the things I felt during that miscarriage was an incredible desire to protect that baby. I had a tremendous need to keep it inside of me. I knew it was too late, but it still just seemed that if I could postpone the inevitable, maybe there was still a chance.  Of course, I knew the baby had likely died before the first sign of miscarriage. Nevertheless, that bit of hope was hard to relinquish.

Of course I don't know if that baby was a girl, but I named her Carolyn Grace anyway. Mike's Mom is Carol and mine is Grace. Isn't that a pretty way to combine the names? I think naming these babies was for my own comfort more than anything. I don't have a back-up name for that baby but again, all this will work out fine later and I will be forgiven if I guessed wrong. My motherly intuition regarding gender was wrong for Maria, Ben AND Sam so I won't be too surprised to learn I missed the mark.

I think one of the first things I ever did when I learned I was pregnant with any of our babies was to protectively put my hands over my own abdomen, as though I was guarding that little life, that little person who was a combination of Mike and I and all our ancestors before us. That has got to be some deep instinct, that need to protect one's young. I think that is part of what is so hard about losing a baby.

People don't always know what to say to someone who has suffered a miscarriage. Well, I will tell you this, it may be best to just say you are sorry for their loss and then let them know you are there to listen more than talk. One of my friends told me it brought her comfort, after a miscarriage, when someone explained to her that her baby was likely deformed or less than perfect in some way. She took comfort from that and from thinking it was all for the best. When someone said that to me I was horrified! I know there may be truth in that but thinking of my baby as being deformed brought me no comfort at all.

We don't all find peace in the same way. I think that is why it is best to take more of a listening role when trying to comfort anyone from any loss. Beyond that, I don't have real advice for you. I will tell you that one of my dearest friends, learning of my miscarriage, sent me a handmade card. On it was a drawing involving tears and a Biblical reference to Romans 12:15... weep with those who weep. That touched my heart deeply.

Grandparents and husbands suffer when a miscarriage occurs as well. I've never been a husband so I can't tell you first hand how it is. I'd think they must feel so helpless when it is happening. I know they'd like to fix it. It is just so hard. A lot of men keep it to themselves, trying to be strong for their wives. What comfort do they need?  And grandparents? What could be worse than seeing your child with a broken heart?

I don't feel sorry for myself over my miscarriages. How can I? I am so grateful for the three children we were able to raise. My life is full of love and family. I do not take it lightly that my dream of motherhood came true. However, I do still feel sad about those little ones we didn't get to raise. I look at Ben and wonder if his twin was identical. What would it be like to see two of them side by side?! Would Carolyn Grace have looked like Maria? Would she have had red hair like Sam? Would they now be parents themselves?  And the grandchildren? What would they have been like?

I really don't dwell on thoughts like these much but sometimes they do come to my mind. Those babies are not really lost and they most certainly are not forgotten.  I may not exactly know them, but God does. I don't worry about where they are. I expect they already understand things better than do I... and I believe we will be reunited. They are part of the tapestry of this family.

Something New and Different

I am in training again! No, I have not quit my job, just learning a new aspect. Here, let me explain what I do...

Patients who come to us for surgery or other procedures usually go through 4 different areas, starting in admissions first. That is where I work the most. We go through their paperwork, check health histories, shave and prep surgical sites if needed, start IV's and things like that.

Next, patients are taken back for their procedures, either surgical or endoscopic, such as colonoscopies and EGDs.  I do not expect to be trained to work much with surgical cases, I will be working with the doctors doing the endoscopy procedures.  Basically the doctors are putting scopes in from the top down and/or the bottom up to take a look at as much of the gastrointestinal tract as they can. They look for things like polyps, precancerous cells, irritated areas, maybe ulcers and other things along those lines. The scopes have lights and cameras and so we can see all this on a screen. It can be interesting.

After their procedures the patients are taken to PACU (Post-Anesthesia Care Unit... formerly known as the recovery room) until they are awake and breathing again on their own. Usually they aren't in the PACU too long but it varies per patient. They don't leave there until they are stable. I will eventually be trained to work in PACU as well.

From PACU the patients are wheeled out to the post-recovery area where a family member can join them. There they finish waking up while we monitor pain levels, nausea issues, make sure their surgical site is fine and things like that. When they are ready we take out their IV and wheel them out to their car. I'm already trained to work in that area as well.

I admit I wasn't really excited about being trained as a circulating nurse in the endoscopy suite, but I think I will like it just fine. I have a lot to learn so I can keep up to speed with the doctors but I have my sweet friend, Donna, to help train me.

I guess I forgot to mention that we have to dress differently to work in the operating rooms. Do you like my new hat? I don't think that look is going to catch on. We'd already removed our cover-ups and masks before I thought to snap the photo. Obviously, I couldn't do that during the procedure or at any time a patient was present. 

Although I didn't exactly volunteer for this new training, I think it is good for my brain to have to stretch a bit. Have you learned anything new lately?